Battling the Sloth and the Anxious Voice

A couple of days ago my husband booked our family on a kayaking and snorkeling adventure for my son’s upcoming birthday. I bet most people would look at the pictures of Cape Maeda and the Blue Cave and think “wow, that’s going to be amazing!”. I want to think that too but my inner anxious voice is coming up with a million reasons why it could be awful.

I used to think that I had negative tendencies, taking after a member of my immediate family fondly referred to as “The Negatron”. The Negatron says things like: “We’re going on a trip but it’ll probably rain the whole damn time” or “That bike ride sounds good, until you get a flat tire in the middle of nowhere or some damn thing.” It’s only natural that I would have a healthy dose of pessimism growing up with The Negatron around. I only recently realized that the little voice inside my brain telling me a million things that could go wrong, isn’t actually negative, it’s anxious.  It’s not that I think “oh that activity sounds fun, but something bad will probably happen”, it’s that my brains says “that activity sounds fun but here are a million ways that it could go terribly wrong and result in a gruesome end” (it’s not always quite so dramatic, but it definitely has it’s moments of grandeur).

You might be thinking, “that’s weird, how did such an anxious person end up moving halfway around the world to a foreign country all by herself?” The answer boils down to 2 things, one – I had certain coping mechanisms available to me in Canada that made me a less anxious person; two – my anxiety really ramped-up after having a kid. Mom-xiety is insane: There are so many ways your kid could be injured/damaged/die everyday, you’d better be on the alert – there’s danger everywhere, all the time!!!

Our family’s upcoming kayak/snorkel adventure is the perfect storm of things to be anxious about – there are dangers from the sea to worry about (so many creatures!), bad weather (wind could blow us out to sea!), maybe they won’t have a wet-suit that’ll fit my non-Japanese physic (so chubby and embarrassing!); the biggest thing I am worried about is that maybe I can’t handle it. Mentally, I could have a panic attack (now I’m having anxiety over possible anxiety), maybe I’ll get claustrophobic in the cave, maybe I won’t like it and cry (a strange manifestation of my anxiety that sometimes happens); physically I am worried I can’t paddle long enough or swim fast enough or balance in a kayak. I have no confidence in body’s abilities.

There was I time, in my mid-20s, when I did a lot of yoga and walked everywhere and was pretty comfortable with my body’s abilities. Coincidentally that was also the time I made my big move to Japan. However, I am pretty sure I share some DNA with sloths because during the rest of my life my mode of operation has been to “preserve energy at all costs” and I have actively avoided moving my body as much as possible. This doesn’t just mean I don’t exercise, I also sleep a lot, move slowly and am totally still most of the time, that’s what comes naturally to me. I look at my husband and son, and they’re always moving, fidgeting, bouncing around and they even run for the pure joy of running. I find no joy in running. I tried it – I did the couch to 5k, completed it, was amazed that I did so, then resumed my sloth-like existence.

I know that taking walks clears my brain and gives me energy, so why do I take them so infrequently? (Snakes, the answer is snakes, there are snakes in Okinawa and they might get me if I go out for a walk – I almost stepped on one in Kochi when I did the couch to 5K, there could be gross bugs too: Nature = Scary.) The anxious voice takes part in promoting my sloth-like behavior.

This is not who I want to be.  An anxious wreck, sitting on my chair, afraid to go out and have amazing adventures.  I live in Okinawa! I want to be the kind of person who enjoys living here by snorkeling, kayaking, swimming, and trying other marine sports, like stand-up paddling. I want to go hiking again, like I did when I first moved to Japan and wasn’t scared off by killer bees, snakes and wild boars yet.

I know what I need to do.

I need to resume practicing yoga.

Yoga is the only thing that helps me feel more confident in my physical abilities and calms me down. It’s the thing that works for me – it’s slow movement tricks my inner sloth into accidentally moving and it shuts-up my anxious voice. Yet, I don’t make it a priority. Since it helps with so many other aspects of my life, shouldn’t I?

Avoiding yoga is Sloth-Self-Sabotage at it’s finest, I can’t even blame the anxious voice because there is nothing to be anxious about when it comes to yoga – I can do it inside (away from bugs and snakes), it’s not overly exerting so injury is unlikely and I know I will have energy to deal with the rest of the things I need to do – like battle with my son over homework and other fun domestic duties.

I’m going to do it.

I am going to make time to do the thing that helps with all other things. I doubt I am the only one who avoids doing what is best for them, if you have a thing that works for you but you haven’t made time for it lately, why not get back in to the habit with me? Taking the time to do the thing that calms the anxious voice and allows us to enjoy life more is a good idea. I am going to start right now – after I transition from this flurry of thought/writing by doing a mindful activity called “hanging the laundry”. I hope doing yoga regularly might help me stop worrying so much and live more at Island Pace.